Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
