I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
