laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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