Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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