I feel great
I just peed on a car
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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