cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
