You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
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