While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
