I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
