If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
