doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
