ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
