She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
