I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Randomize
