We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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