I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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