Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
