And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
