wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
