mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
dude. I can hear the air.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
