i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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