His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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