Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
