I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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