It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
