he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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