Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
