I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
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