if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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