Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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