I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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