I can text with my tongue
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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