i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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