Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
