I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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