Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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