its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Randomize
