I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
