I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
