Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
