i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
