There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
