this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
