Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
