My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
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