rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
