When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
