I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
