Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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