I'm gonna have a badass scar
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
