Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
