so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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