i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Randomize
