I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
