Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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