is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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