after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
His nipple licking is glorious
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