you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
my shit smells like andre
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
