Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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