I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
My pussy is not your playground.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
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