I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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