The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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