They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
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